A letter to my Anxiety
I’m sorry, it’s over. It’s not you but it’s me. I’ve grown, i’m different and I want better things. I’ve reached a new place where I need to assess what’s good and what’s bad. Let’s face it, there’s nothing good that comes from this relationship. You’ve been constant, you’re always there, on this I cannot fault you. But your presence has become crippling and paralyses me with fear.
I knew when it began getting out of control, I knew you were following me, stalking me, wherever I would go. I knew when you were near as my heart would begin to beat in its chest, my skin would glow with sweat and my hands clammy and tingly. My head be-comes fuzzy, i’m dizzy and disorientated. I’m panicking, I can’t breathe. Why won’t you simply leave me be?
You would wake me at night, knee on my chest, hand around my neck tight. I’m scared, I can’t breathe, I lie there praying you will get bored quickly this time. You thrive on my fear, my pleads and my tears. Why do you enjoy this so? My pain, my terror, the horror in my eyes. I will never understand the pleasure you derive as I begin to lose control.
You changed my life for the worst on this we surely can agree? I became reserved and afraid, a shell of my former self. I was confused, in a daze, unsure of who I really was. I stayed home, scared of the outside world and your stalking ways. I’d rather be inside when you attacked so no one else could see, that way the shame was my own and no one else would know. Not everyone understood, but this you already knew. You knew they’d get frustrated, i’d become further isolated and retreat deeper into your arms. You won, your plan worked. Congratulations to you.
But things have changed. I’ve changed. I can’t live this life anymore. Im stronger, more able, than I ever was before. So i’m sorry dear Anxiety, I must move on now. I’m sure our paths will cross from time to time, of that I have no doubt. That’s ok, I’m better pre-pared, I won’t let you control me like you did before. Goodbye for now Anxiety, I wont shed a single tear for you. Thank you for making me realise I can be stronger than I ever knew I could be.
Its easy to become lost and entwined with our disorders. They are a diagnosis, something we live with, often on a daily basis, but they do not define who we are as an individual. It can be useful to visualise our disorders as separate from ourselves. Writing a letter to your disorder can be an incredibly empowering exercise. Please feel free to try this exercise and share your experiences with us. We would love to share any letters among our community, if you would like to share yours please reach out to us at support@my-mentalhealth.org.uk
